Shrink Rap

Challenge Your Thinking

Don't believe everything you think. Talk back to yourself!

I'm often amused when people say that they are afraid to admit to a psychologist that they talk to themselves.Then they invariably quip:  "But it's OK as long as you don't answer yourself, right?"  I then inform them that the healthiest people do answer themselves. 

 Sometimes our thoughts are just negative habits, and they may have nothing to do with the facts.  Some have the habit of self-criticism, while another may be habited to criticizing others.  One person may jump to conclusions about people trying to harm them.  Another may easily interpret that someone is about to leave or abandon them.  All of these come from our experiences and our interpretations of them (which can be wrong) and the attitudes we've seen modeled by others in our lives.

Learning to challenge your own thinking rather than simply assuming it is correct is a critical life skill! Ask yourself: 

• What evidence do I have that this is true?
• What evidence is there that it might not be true?
• If a good friend told me this, what would I say to him/her?
• Is my interpretation of this situation helping me to be effective?

Many years ago, wise King Solomon reminded us of the importance of our thoughts in determining the quality of our lives:  "As a person thinks in his heart, so is he."  (Or she!)

 

 

 

 

 

GOALS THAT LAST - NOT RESOLUTIONS THAT DON'T

Around New Year, many of us are doing the usual…thinking, “This year will be different. I’m going to change…(fill in the blanks)…my work habits, my attitudes. I’ll lose those pounds; I’ll make that difficult choice that’s long overdue.” We re-make these resolutions throughout the year.

But will we really follow through until the goals are accomplished? Or will this new “determination” be like the others…lots of good intentions, plenty of wishes, but basically, life goes on as usual?

Research on personal change (Prochaska, Norcross, and Diclemente; “Changing for Good”) has demonstrated that successful change comes in six well-defined stages. Perhaps the failure to recognize these stages has been responsible for your past frustrations and failures in following through on self improvements.

You see, each of these stages has a series of tasks that must be completed before you can progress to the next. You set yourself up for failure when you either try to accomplish changes you aren’t ready for or when you stay so long on tasks you’ve mastered (such as understanding your problem) that you become stuck indefinitely.

Think about your past experiences as you read what happens in these six stages.

Stage 1: Precontemplation

When you’re at this stage, you aren’t even admitting you have a problem. We’ve all seen unhealthy denial in others. We often have trouble seeing it in ourselves.

Writer G.K. Chesterton said, “It isn’t that they can’t see the solution. It’s that they can’t see the problem.”

Precontemplators don’t want to change themselves. They think others are to blame for their difficulties. Likely, others are experiencing the precontemplator’s problem and may be applying pressure for him or her to change. The responses…denial and resistance.

Are you in this stage? Chances are, you are with at least one of the destructive and self-defeating behaviors you need to change.

Stage 2: Contemplation

When you move to the Contemplation stage, you acknowledge you have a problem, and you want to get unstuck. You begin to think seriously about solving your problem. You try to understand its causes, and you begin to investigate your options. At this point you have indefinite plans to take action within the next few months.

However, you can stay stuck in this stage for months or years. (Is this where you are now?) You know you need to change, and you intend to…someday…just as soon as…after…when the rush is over (when would that be?). You know your desire and your destination, but you’re not quite ready to go.

Fear of failure can keep you searching for an easier, more dramatic, or more complete solution to your problem. The irony is, failure is guaranteed if you don’t move on to the next stage.

Stage 3: Preparation

“If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”

You greatly reduce your success probability if you suddenly wake up one morning, say “This is the day,” and dive headfirst into a change without realistically and specifically planning how you will make the change happen.

At Stage 3, you develop a detailed plan of action and you may announce your intentions publicly. Your awareness is high, and you may have already begun small behavioral changes. Before moving ahead, however, you need to know exactly how you will keep your awareness and commitment high throughout the struggles of the next stages.

Stage 4: Action

This stage is the one that requires the most commitment and energy. It’s where you actually DO IT! You receive the most recognition and support during this stage, because others can see that you’re working at it. You follow the plan you’ve made in Stage 3, make revisions as necessary, and “keep on keeping on” even when it’s inconvenient or difficult.

Here’s a caution: Action doesn’t necessarily mean that lasting change has been made. It’s an essential part of the process, but the failure to do what’s necessary in the next stage, Maintenance, can sabotage the progress you’ve made so far.

Stage 5: Maintenance

The maintenance stage is a long, ongoing process. From my experience, it’s the most difficult. (How many times have I dieted, for example, only to gain the weight back?)

The Action stage must be followed by constant vigilance and a systematic plan for dealing with those temptations that can draw you back into the old, destructive pattern. It’s hard work to consolidate the gains you’ve made during the first four stages and to prevent relapse.

Celebrate achieving your goals, but don’t relax and tell yourself, “Whew! I’m glad that’s over!” Develop a menu of mental and behavioral coping strategies that will take you through the times when your feet begin to slip. (More on that in the next article.)

Stage 6: Termination

There is lively debate about whether this stage is possible when the behavior you’ve changed is an addictive habit. The ideal would be that you no longer feel tempted, and the habit is absolutely not a problem for you. Some say, however, that you must always maintain a life of vigilance.

I tend to agree. Some can progress to the point that they are not constantly tempted, nor do they think about it every day. However, I believe that once you’ve had a deeply ingrained habit or addiction, you are always more vulnerable than if you’d never had it. Keep a level of awareness, especially in times of stress. Studies show that in times of stress or conflict, people are most likely to slip.

Not a Linear Progression

Wouldn’t it be nice if we smoothly progressed from one stage to the next? It’s possible, but not probable. Most people have episodes of backsliding into Contemplation or even Precontemplation before trying again. In fact, studies show that New Year’s resolutions are made, on average, five times before the changer moves all the way to Maintenance! (That’s average. You don’t have to do it that many times if you know how to move more effectively through these six stages.)

Don’t give up! If you have a setback, don’t stay there. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again…this time with a revised and better plan.

Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist and professional speaker who is the author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.” Visit her website, www.DrBevSmallwood.com; or contact Bev at 601.264.0890 or by email, Bev@DrBevSmallwood.com. Also connect with Bev on Twitter, Facebook, Linkedin, and her blog, Shrink Rap.

"The weather - everybody talks about it but no one does anything about it," said Mark Twain. That's because they can't!

As I sit inside because of a rare snow in South Mississippi, I reflect on the parallels between weather and the rest of our lives. We know that about the weather, but we fail to distinguish what we can and cannot change in other areas of our lives. We erroneously define conditions as "problems." The snow and ice are not problems - they are conditions. Conditions are something I cannot change. My problem is, how will I get the groceries and cleaning supplies I need while driving on slippery roads? My problem is, what can I most productively do with this time inside? Get it? The problem is, within this condition, what can I do to maximize my time, my energy, my results? What can I do differently? That's the real question.

Are you finding the problems within your conditions? Or are you misdefining the conditions AS the problems? Correctly identifying what you can do keeps you moving, motivated, and more successful.

A little fun this Christmas morning...

Awkward Christmas photos.

http://www.asylum.com/2009/12/18/awkward-family-photos-the-christmas-special/?icid=main|htmlws-sb-n|dl5|link3|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.asylum.com%2F2009%2F12%2F18%2Fawkward-family-photos-the-christmas-special%2F

USER’S GUIDE TO MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS: FAQ’s Part Seven

Part 7: Restoring Meaning in the Holidays

In this commercialized world, we are encouraged to overspend, overschedule, and overdo – and as a result, we become overwhelmed.  Maybe it’s time to slow it down a bit and remember what it’s all about and to reflect that in our family and community experiences.

What are some ways to restore the real meaning of the season?

Take stock of holiday seasons past. Have they been more characterized by pressure and stress, or by meaning and renewed peace?  If your answer was pressure and stress, it’s time to do it differently.  For you, what is the real meaning of the season, and how can your attitudes, your communications, and your celebrations reflect and honor that? Whether you are Christian as I am, or whether you celebrate Hanukkah, Kwanza, or something else – don’t get lost in frantic or futile practices that fail to transmit “the reason for the season.”

1.     Teach your children the foundations of your beliefs and your faith and how they relate to this season. Include some fun activities in the holiday mix that enable you to share those lessons without the “sit-down lecture” that often causes kids to roll their eyes and tune you out.

2.     Demonstrate love in your own daily attitudes – not just in finding “the perfect gift.”  Exemplify and model love (and patience!) in thousands of little caring behaviors.

3.     Emphasize people, not projects. After all, aren’t the projects designed to benefit and create positive experiences for people? How much sense does it make to allow the projects to make us irritable and impatient with the very people for whom we allegedly want to “make happy.”  (I could write another article on the futility of the unrealistic goal of making everyone happy, but I’ll save that for another time.)

4.     Involve the family in giving to less-fortunate others outside the immediate circle. There are thousands of volunteer opportunities in your own community – either for serving or for providing material help for those in need.  This awareness and action is excellent training for children in combating selfishness and showing compassion.  Great life lessons!

Blessings for the most meaningful holiday season ever!!!

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Do you have other questions I haven’t included?  You can ask them and I’ll answer on the Shrink Rap suggestions for staying sane during the holidays.  While you’re at the Shrink Rap Blog, sign up to be notified of new posts at the top right of the page.

Questions and comments may also be shared at the social networking sites, Facebook, Linkedin, or Twitter.  I’d love to be connected with you there.  Just click those buttons on the home page of my website and request a connection and I’ll be glad to say “Yes!”

Want to reprint this?  The answer is “yes” if you include the following attribution: Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, speaker, Show Host at The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com), and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.”  Visit her website, www.DrBevSmallwood.com, or contact her directly at 601-264-0890.

USER’S GUIDE TO MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS: FAQ’s Part Six

Part 6:  Preventing Weight Gain in Holidays

It’s so hard not to put on those holiday pounds – much less to lose the pounds you want to during this season of goodies and parties and food gifts.  Add to the mix the problem with a chaotic schedule that renders exercise time to a back seat, and you have the recipe for diet disaster.  (Though I don’t like the term diet.  One, it implies a temporary phase, after which you will return to “normal,” which got you in this mess in the first place.  Second, the root word of diet is “die!”)

Let’s move on now to some tips for handling this challenging holiday task – maintaining a healthy weight by managing the behaviors that sabotage your success.

How can I keep from gaining weight during the holidays?

Because of the notorious 7 pounds that the average person gains during the holidays, it’s a noble goal to “not gain,” (much less lose) during this tempting period. However, it’s important to remember that the laws of nature do not change, just because we’re in this season.  If you take in more calories than you burn for energy, the remainder are stored in our bodies. For every 3500 calories that you consume and don’t use, you get a pound of stored energy, better known as fat. In the rush of the season, exercise time is crowded out, goodies are not resisted, large meals at family gatherings are the norm, and stress hormones run rampant.  Why is weight gain a surprise?

Reminded of the realities of how our bodies work, we can hold weight steady by honoring those realities. Put these 7 ideas to work to avoid holiday weight disasters.

1.     In your meal planning, select, delicious, lower-calorie dishes.  You and your family do not have to be deprived.  There are delicious alternatives that do not break the calorie bank.

2.     Don’t keep the “goodies” (more appropriately called “baddies”) around.  Availability sabotages impulse control.  It’s much easier to say no if you have to go to the trouble of going to get that craved food than if you simply have to go to the kitchen.

3.     Don’t neglect some form of exercise.  No matter how busy you are, schedule in that walk or that workout.  Make it a family affair.  For instance, enlist the commitment from participants in the post-holiday meal afternoon walk before that day when people are less than motivated for it. In general, if you don’t specifically schedule and plan for exercise, it won’t happen.

4.     Portion control, portion control, portion control!  It’s fine to have a little of almost everything.  It’s those piles of food and those seconds and even thirds that are the culprits.

5.     Slow it down! Research shows that it takes the brain about 20 minutes to recognize that the tummy is “full,” though there’s enough food there to create satiation. When you eat more slowly, you recognize that you’ve had enough.  When you continue to “stuff it down” for that extra 20 minutes, you’re then overstuffed!  Who wants to become a butterball turkey? Put your eating utensils down between bites and chew, chew, chew. Savor your food; actually taste it for a change!

6.     Don’t do other things while you’re eating.  Instead, concentrate on the food, savoring the taste of each bite.  No eating on the run, in front of the T.V., or in the car. You tend to eat much more when you’re eating unconsciously, hardly noticing what you’re eating.

7.     Eat at mealtime; minimize snacking.  Do you know what I mean by “grazing?”  You do, don’t you? You go and stand in front of the fridge or the cabinet, wondering what you can snack on next. You’re not really hungry.  More often you’re bored.  Or maybe you had a large dose of carbs a couple of hours ago, and now your blood sugar has dropped and you feel ravenous. Work on the good habit of eating at mealtimes, avoiding unplanned snacks. (Some say that 5 small meals are best.  However, don’t use this admonition as an excuse for 5 large meals.  That won’t work!)

8.     Don’t let your emotions be your guide. Emotional eating has sabotaged many a commitment.  Food has come to serve so many more functions than it should – e.g., comfort, stress relief, companionship, boredom relief, and entertainment. Tune in to your own tendencies by noticing next time you say to yourself, “I’m hungry.” What are you really feeling? Then address that.  When you are physically hungry because you have not had nutrition for a period of time, eat.  If you are bored, get out and do something.  If you are lonely, call someone or go visit someone.  (How about someone who is lonely and would love to have some company?) If you are anxious, become aware of your thoughts.  Face down the fear by confronting it in some small way. Get the picture?  Consciously take action in line with the emotion – don’t just throw food at it!

Holidays are an especially dangerous time, but these small habit changes can pay dividends all year ‘round!

The last question in this series is based on the fact that the season has become so commercialized.  Further, some would try to take the religious meaning away by removing terms like, “Merry Christmas,” or “Happy Hanukkah.”  (How narrow!) Next time, I’m going to share some tips with you on restoring and keeping meaning in the holiday season.

USER’S GUIDE TO MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS: FAQ’s Part Five

Part 5: Managing Holiday Time

Running here and there; checking things off the list, then adding more to it; dealing with the noise and hustle and bustle – at home as well as at the mall. Sometimes it’s just too much to handle.  This leads us to today’s question.

There’s just not enough time to get things done, with shopping, parties, cooking, planning for family gatherings. How can I deal with the pressures of time?

It’s easy to get overwhelmed with all the things that have to be done.  Any time you’re overwhelmed, it’s usually because there are so many things floating out there, it feels like you’ll never get them done.  They just seem like one huge weight on your mind, impossible to fathom.  Instead of digging in, you procrastinate – making the tasks feel even less do-able.

Any time you’re overwhelmed, the key is planning, breaking the larger tasks down into smaller, more “tackle-able” ones. Block out a few minutes to list the major categories of “projects,” e.g., shopping, party.  Then create smaller sections – e.g., shopping for John, food for the party. Then list even smaller tasks within those sub-categories, e.g., talk to John’s wife to learn his sizes, call Beth for her spinach salad recipe.  When you taken the time to do this and you have 15 minutes, you can select something to do.  (Something besides obsessing and stressing about how much you have to do.) You can choose to focus during this morning hour only on getting the grocery list created for the party.  You can set aside an afternoon for shopping, a task made more efficient by your list. 

While you might get even more overwhelmed when you see a 4-page list, this actually gives you a greater sense of control.  It might be a long list, but at least it’s on paper; you can see it.  It’s not a nebulous monster threatening your waking moments and dreams. 

Step by step, you can get it done.  The key is – schedule the time, and focus on one thing at that time.

Another area that most of us struggle with during the holidays is maintaining a healthy weight.  Not only are all the goodies tempting, but in the busy-ness we just discussed, it’s easy to neglect exercises.  We’ll talk about those challenges in our next edition of Holiday FAQ’s.

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Do you have other questions I haven’t included?  You can ask them and I’ll answer on the Shrink Rap suggestions for staying sane during the holidays.  While you’re at the Shrink Rap Blog, sign up to be notified of new posts at the top right of the page.

Questions and comments may also be shared at the social networking sites, Facebook, Linkedin, or Twitter.  I’d love to be connected with you there.  Just click those buttons on the home page of my website and request a connection and I’ll be glad to say “Yes!”

Want to reprint this?  The answer is “yes” if you include the following attribution: Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, speaker, Show Host at The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com), and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.”  Visit her website, www.DrBevSmallwood.com, or contact her directly at 601-264-0890.

USER’S GUIDE TO MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS: FAQ’s Part Four

Part 4: Preventing Financial Disaster

In a recent survey by the American Psychological Association on stress, people said that financial woes produced their chief woes during the holidays.  But is it necessary to spend a lot of money in order to make it a great time of celebration?

How can we keep from maxing out financially, especially when kids seem to want everything and have no idea how hard it is to juggle the money issues?

Not only is it financially wise to put the brakes on extravagant spending, it is good parenting to refuse to reinforce in your children the “gimme” mentality. After all, the season is about giving, not getting. It’s about love – not lust for more things.  It’s about reflection on the true meaning of the season and the values taught by your faith.  So this discussion involves more than preventing the maxing of the credit cards.  It’s about actively teaching your kids a way of life that does not include “entitlement.”

Leading up to your own celebration, actively involve your kids in some kind of family project to help the less fortunate. One Christmas, my grandchildren and I adopted a family whose home had burned.  I asked the Red Cross for a family with children about the same age as each of the grands, and got permission to deliver the presents ourselves.  Planning and talking about this needs of a family who had lost everything put our own wants into perspective.

Even young children can be taught the value of money by essentially giving them a budget and allowing them to select what they want within those parameters.  They get practice in making choices and trade-offs, which we all have to do in life, don’t we? It’s a great life lesson to gradually come to understand that resources have to be shared with others, and that you don’t always get what you want when you want it. .By the way, it absolutely will not damage their little psyches to hear the word “no.”

The next installment of these holiday FAQ’s involves the daunting challenge of getting everything – no, the most important things done during the holiday season.  More than ever, it’s essential to be able to manage your time.  We’ll discuss that in the next segment.

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Do you have other questions I haven’t included?  You can ask them and I’ll answer on the Shrink Rap suggestions for staying sane during the holidays.  While you’re at the Shrink Rap Blog, sign up to be notified of new posts at the top right of the page.

Questions and comments may also be shared at the social networking sites, Facebook, Linkedin, or Twitter.  I’d love to be connected with you there.  Just click those buttons on the home page of my website and request a connection and I’ll be glad to say “Yes!”

Want to reprint this?  The answer is “yes” if you include the following attribution: Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, speaker, Show Host at The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com), and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.”  Visit her website, www.DrBevSmallwood.com, or contact her directly at 601-264-0890.

USER’S GUIDE TO MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS: FAQ’s Part Three

Part 3:  Keeping the Drama Out of Family Gatherings

Today we’re continuing our discussion on the special challenges of the holiday season.  One of the biggies involves the family dynamics that seem to play out even more dramatically during holiday events.  If you find yourself dreading certain family members’ visits or the seemingly inevitable chaos that occurs when your family convenes, read on.

How can I keep family gatherings calm and stay out the drama?

 Why do we think that, under the stress, pressure, and often the “liquid courage,” somehow the dysfunctional extended family dynamics of decades will somehow vanish and be replaced by “peace on earth, good will toward men?” Even for family members who are basically loving and peaceful, the enduring stress of the holidays can create irritation and impatience.

Here are a few tips:

1.     (I say this again because it’s so important.)  Let go of your foolish expectations that all will be perfect and peaceful.  People are people, and they are often less than either perfect or peaceful.. (Ahem! Writer and reader of this article not excluded!)

2.     You probably know the quirks of the individuals who will be present.  Resolve not to let their predictable behaviors and attitudes get under your skin and spoil your enjoyment.  Say to yourself with a private smile, “Oh, well, that’s just him (or her).” Keep your composure, and focus your attention instead on people with whom you can relate more positively.

3.     Let go of the notion that this is the year you finally get your family to “do it right.”  If you could have worked that magic, you would have done it a long time ago.  You can’t change other people, or hadn’t you noticed?

4.     Minimize the use of alcohol.  One of the first effects of alcohol is to diminish inhibitions and judgment – and heaven knows, most families need to exercise both.  They do need to be wise about their words, not just say whatever comes to mind.  They need a little (a lot!) of judgment about how to interact, especially if they have not done so well in the past. If there is even one person in the family who has or has had a problem with alcohol, holidays memories may not be pleasant, and those bad feelings can be easily triggered.  True joy does not come in a bottle.

Our next FAQ involves the money and financial worries generated by holiday overspending.  Looking forward to talking about that with you.

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Do you have other questions I haven’t included?  You can ask them and I’ll answer on the Shrink Rap suggestions for staying sane during the holidays.  While you’re at the Shrink Rap Blog, sign up to be notified of new posts at the top right of the page.

Questions and comments may also be shared at the social networking sites, Facebook, Linkedin, or Twitter.  I’d love to be connected with you there.  Just click those buttons on the home page of my website and request a connection and I’ll be glad to say “Yes!”

Want to reprint this?  The answer is “yes” if you include the following attribution: Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, speaker, Show Host at The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com), and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.”  Visit her website, www.DrBevSmallwood.com, or contact her directly at 601-264-0890.

USER’S GUIDE TO MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS: FAQ’s Part Two

What if I’ve experienced a recent tragedy or break-up? 

The first and (my clients tell me) especially the second holiday season after a significant loss brings special pain.  It does become less intense as time goes by, but don’t expect it to be easy this year. 

It’s fruitless to try to ignore the 800-pound gorilla in the room. However, don’t give him front and center stage the entire season either. Carve out some blocks of time to do some active work on the grief process (See Chapter 8 and other chapters of my book, “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me” for specific instructions.) These concentrated times of “doing the work” make it a little less likely that you will be blindsided by grief at inopportune times.

 If others with whom you are sharing the holiday get-together have also experienced or are feeling your loss, plan a section of your gathering to talk about the traumatic event or person, to pray together about it, have a time of silent meditation, or otherwise to memorialize the loss.  While this may sound like it would “spoil” everything, it actually has the effect of giving you greater freedom to relax, experience some enjoyment together in the rest of your celebration., and make the best of a difficult time.

The next FAQ is one I’m often asked:  How can I keep family gatherings calm and stay out of the drama? Stay tuned!

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Do you have other questions I haven’t included?  You can ask them and I’ll answer on the Shrink Rap suggestions for staying sane during the holidays.  While you’re at the Shrink Rap Blog, sign up to be notified of new posts at the top right of the page.

Questions and comments may also be shared at the social networking sites, Facebook, Linkedin, or Twitter.  I’d love to be connected with you there.  Just click those buttons on the home page of my website and request a connection and I’ll be glad to say “Yes!”

Want to reprint this?  The answer is “yes” if you include the following attribution: Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, speaker, Show Host at The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com), and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.”  Visit her website, www.DrBevSmallwood.com, or contact her directly at 601-264-0890.