Shrink Rap

Some Annoying Phrases Can Be Psychologically Healthy

I just read an interesting post about the Top 10 Annoying Phrases at http://www.asylum.com/2009/11/18/10-annoying-phrases-that-serve-no-purpose?icid=main|htmlws-sb-n|dl5|link3|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.asylum.com%2F2009%2F11%2F18%2F10-annoying-phrases-that-serve-no-purpose.

I do agree that most or all of these phrases, along with some of the ones added in the comments section, can be annoying to the listener.  So, the message here is, don't use your out-loud voice for them!

However, said to oneself, a couple of these can serve a purpose.  For instance, the offender, "Whatever."  This can be a way of distancing yourself from something potentially upsetting so that you can refocus and move on. 

Another personally helpful one is, "It is what it is." (Not to be confused with the famous quote, "It depends on what is is.") In my book, "This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me," I delineate ten critical choices, and the very first one is the choice between denial and reality.  "It is what it is" is the first step toward coming to terms with the facts of a situation (not what you think they should be).  That's the first step of problem-solving.   

Let's talk about "Everything happens for a reason." I have observed that some find this philosophy helpful in coping with something themselves.  However, I do not believe that, on balance, it's the best thing to say to yourself.  Otherwise, you're searching for some cosmic reason that something happened rather than searching for how you will BRING SOMETHING GOOD out of it - even though it was a terrible event.  And please, please, please do not say this phrase to someone who has just undergone a tragedy.  It's not just annoying - it's hurtful.

What do you think about the 10 phrases?

Would you add your own "most annoying" to this list?

Let me hear from you.

Dr. Bev Smallwood, Psychologist; Author, This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me:  10 Make-or-Break Choices When Life Steals Your Dreams and Rocks Your World; Show Host, The Magnetic Workplaces Show, at The Women's Information Network, thewinonline.com.

The Power of Thank You - Even in Adversity

Today, Thanksgiving Day 2009, we gather with family and reflect on all the blessings we have that, unfortunately, we usually take for granted. How important it is to pause regularly and give thanks to God and to the people who make a difference in our lives! 

Looking back on my life, when I consider my blessings, many of them have come in the most difficult of times.  Set against the backdrop of darkness, the gifts shine like a diamond against black velvet. 

In my most trying times, I've been thankful for:

1) people who care enough to be there, even in the smallest of ways;

2) the lessons I've learned that I could not have learned in happier times;

3) the wake-up calls I've heard;

4) the perspectives I've gained on what is truly "small stuff" (compared to the big stuff);

5) meaningful work that lets me know I'm here for a reason;

6) greater resilience and confidence that I can weather future storms (After this, other things will be a piece of cake!):

7) (most importantly) the knowledge that God will never leave or forsake me.

If this Thanksgiving happens to be one of those tough times for you - take courage! Today, look for the things that are good in your life - even if other things are overwhelming right now.  Develop the mindset of gratitude today.  No matter where you are or what life has handed you, there is power in the thankful heart. 

What "gifts" have you received in troubled times, for which you are thankful today?

Love you all...and I give thanks for you!!

Dr. Bev

Resilience is Getting Back Up

I didn’t watch the American Music Awards, but I saw the clip this morning.  In the midst of a rousing dance in which Jennifer Lopez was to jump from the back of a stooped fellow dancer.  When she hit the floor, she went down splat.  But in an unbelievable split second, she got back up and was dancing like crazy.  In fact, it all happened so fast, it made you wonder if the fall really happened or if it was just a part of the show.

No, it was not intended; it really happened.  But so did that true professional rebound! She didn’t stay down, wallow in the embarrassment of her problem, or feel sorry for herself.  She got up and danced. 

That’s what we have to do, too.  I’ve heard it said that it’s not how many times you fall down, it’s how many times you get back up.  (It needs to be at least one more time than you fell down.)

Next time you fall or get knocked down, take a lesson from Jennifer. 

Remember, J. Lo didn’t stay low!!!

 

Dr. Bev Smallwood, Psychologist, Author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me,” Host of The Magnetic Workplaces Show on The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com).

Women and Willpower Problems

Women and Willpower Problems Article

What do you think?

 

Perfectionism Creates Failure

Last week I was working with my youngest grandson, Eli, on his reading fair project.  We had conceptualized our storyboard presentation of "Curious George Makes Pancakes," and we had begun the laborious process of have him print with colored markers the items required - summary, author, mood, conflict, solution, etc.  Our idea was to write on white paper, then put the white paper on colored paper to post to the story board.  White paper with no lines, that is, and writing there in any kind of reasonably straight line was a daunting task for an 8-year-old.  So I created some guide lines in pencil, which we erased after the color printing was complete.

All was going well for a while, until the little fellow began to get tired and a little careless about where his letters landed, despite the lines.  I cautioned him, "Eli, now watch your lines and let your letters come down to here." With a disgusted look and frustrated tone, Eli responded, "BeBe, if it's perfect, I'm gonna get a flat-out F because they will know a kid did not do it!"

O.K., Eli, ya got a point there.  In fact, it's probably a point for all of us.  If you try so hard to do things perfectly, this really can result in failure.  Because you'll never do it just right, you can chronically feel like a failure.  Over time, you lose confidence because you become convinced you'll just never measure up.  (And you won't, with the unrealistic standard of perfection.) Because you want to have JUST the right time to do something JUST RIGHT, you can procrastinate and miss the opportunity altogether or do less than your best with last-minute scrambling. Your decision-making can be painfully slow (again missing opportunities and frustrating the heck out of others) because you want to make JUST THE RIGHT decision.  

Perfectionism is conscientiousness run amuck.  It's a strength to be committed to doing things well, to using your talents, to behaving responsibly and conscientiously.  However, don't get that out of balance.  Stay out of the trap of perfectionism.

As my good friend and business coach Mark LeBlanc (www.SmallBusinessSuccess.com) reminds me, "Done is better than perfect!" 

Let's talk about it!

What have been your experiences with perfectionism? 

Has it worked for you or against you? 

If you are a recovering perfectionist, what are some of the things you've done to aid your recovery?

Dr. Bev Smallwood: Psychologist; Professional Speaker; Show Host on The Women's Information Network (www.thewinonline.com); Author, "This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me;" Website:  www.DrBevSmallwood.com.

 

Check Out My Latest Episode on the WIN about the Ten Choices for Resilience!

Click here to see the video for Choice 2!

Healing After Trauma: The Fort Hood Challenge

The Commander of Fort Hood said after the memorial services, “Now the healing must begin.”  He’s right.  During those early times after tragedy occurs, people tend to be in shock and denial, and they manage to go through the motions to get through the necessary rituals and actions.  In my book, “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me:  10 Make-or-Break Choices When Life Steals Your Dreams and Rocks Your World,’ I call this defense mechanism, “the emotional circuit breaker.”  It “shuts you down” in order to prevent destroying “the system” by overload.  As the reality starts the dawn and the full import of the tragic events hits, individuals and communities must engage in the painful and laborious process of healing. 

The ten choices I discuss in the book are not one-time choices, but a commitment to a set of principles by which ongoing choices will be made.  The choices individuals make will determine whether the horrific tragedy will destroy them or will ultimately make them a stronger, more compassionate, more purposeful people.  These make-or-break choices are:

· denial vs. reality;

· victimhood vs. responsibility;

· why vs. how;

· doubt vs. faith;

· bitterness vs. forgiveness;

· guilt vs. self-forgiveness;

· isolation vs. connection;

· depression vs. grief;

· avoidance vs. courage;

· powerlessness vs. purpose.

I’m doing a video podcast series on the Ten Choices on my Women’s Information Network Show, The Magnetic Workplaces Show – and don’t forget to pick up the book, “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.” 

I’d love to hear about your experiences in your attempt to implement any of these choices.  Feel free to comment here, and I’ll respond.   

The Power of Emotional Intelligence

Last weekend, I had two experiences that reminded me of the power of emotional intelligence.  You probably know that emotional intelligence involves a symphony of skills in thinking, relating, and behaving that result in:  1) managing oneself and one’s emotions well, and 2) relating with others competently.  Daniel Goleman, the researcher and author who coined the term emotional intelligence reports that approximately 66% of occupational success is not due to intellectual ability, but to emotional intelligence. From almost 30 years as a psychologist and developer of leaders, I wholeheartedly believe it.

I was saddened last weekend as I evaluated a young man charged with capital murder of his girlfriend. A part of that forensic psychological examination was a Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale-IV, which assesses IQ or intellectual ability.  To my surprise, this young man topped out many of the scales.  He was very “smart.” But obviously, he was not wise when it came to the series of choices in his life that led to the tragic events which led to his arrest.  I have been struck for many years by an observation as I’ve evaluated what many consider “those people” in deep trouble with the law.  Most are not sociopaths.  The majority made one unwise, emotionally “stupid” choice at a time, leading them step by step down a destructive path.  Emotional intelligence trumps IQ one more time.

A second experience on the same day brought that lesson home, yet again. I went to see “This is It,” the movie about Michael Jackson’s preparation for his comeback tour.  I loved the music and was reminded of Michael’s phenomenal talent as a songwriter, musician, and entertainer. Yet his personal life was a tragedy.  Whatever the truth is about his personal behavior, there can be no doubt that Michael lacked the skills to manage himself and relate with others.  A musical genius handicapped by the lack of emotional intelligence.  What a waste! I left the movie sad.

The message is clear to parents, organizations, and individuals.  Invest in teaching and learning those critical competencies for emotional self-management and healthy relationships. Success depends on it!

What do you think?  What examples have you seen or experienced?

TRAGEDY AT FORT HOOD: WHY DID HE DO IT? VICARIOUS TRAUMA A POSSIBLE AGGRAVATING FACTOR

The nation is stunned with the news that a psychiatrist, one charged with the sacred duty of helping our soldiers, has apparently committed heinous acts resulting in the deaths of 13 people and injuries to 30 more.  The “why’s” are vague at this point – ideological issues and even terrorist possibilities loom large.  Combat-related Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, when this man has never been deployed?  Oddly enough, a form of PTSD is possible. Certainly this is not an excuse in this horrible act.  But in terms of understanding how this alleged shooter was thinking, this discussion is relevant.

1.  The problem of vicarious traumatization is a growing issue among mental health professionals. This occurs when the helping professional becomes traumatized over time from listening to and empathizing with their clients’ stories of traumatic events and horrific emotional reactions.

2.   In this case, Major Hasan now faced the experience of the very horrors he had experienced vicariously in the myriad of accounts he had listened to in his years at Walter Reed and at Fort Hood. In other words, when, as his cousin said, “his worst nightmare,” deployment loomed, he saw himself in the scenarios he had “already experienced.”

3.   The reactions we see in mental health and other healthcare professionals who have experienced vicarious traumatization have every symptom of PTSD from direct experience:  re- the trauma, avoidance, numbing of responsiveness, and hyperarousal.

4.   It is highly unusual that such a drastic and violent reaction would occur from vicarious traumatization alone.  However, the intimate knowledge he had of the experience of deployment could have been one of the factors that sent him over the edge to implement horrific plans he had probably considered for other reasons.

Dr. Bev Smallwood is psychologist, trauma specialist, and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me:  10 Make-or-Break Choices When Life Steals Your Dreams and Rocks Your World. She’s the Founder of The Hope Center, a psychological counseling and organizational consulting organization. Dr. Smallwood also is an psychological expert in criminal cases and in civil cases involving Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Dr. Bev is a highly experienced media resource.  See more about her work at www.DrBevSmallwood.com– particularly in the Media section of her website.  Dr. Bev may be contacted at 601-408-0735 or 601-264-0890. 

Interesting USA Today article on stress:

USA Today Article on Stress