Shrink Rap

USER’S GUIDE TO MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS: FAQ’s Part Seven

Part 7: Restoring Meaning in the Holidays

In this commercialized world, we are encouraged to overspend, overschedule, and overdo – and as a result, we become overwhelmed.  Maybe it’s time to slow it down a bit and remember what it’s all about and to reflect that in our family and community experiences.

What are some ways to restore the real meaning of the season?

Take stock of holiday seasons past. Have they been more characterized by pressure and stress, or by meaning and renewed peace?  If your answer was pressure and stress, it’s time to do it differently.  For you, what is the real meaning of the season, and how can your attitudes, your communications, and your celebrations reflect and honor that? Whether you are Christian as I am, or whether you celebrate Hanukkah, Kwanza, or something else – don’t get lost in frantic or futile practices that fail to transmit “the reason for the season.”

1.     Teach your children the foundations of your beliefs and your faith and how they relate to this season. Include some fun activities in the holiday mix that enable you to share those lessons without the “sit-down lecture” that often causes kids to roll their eyes and tune you out.

2.     Demonstrate love in your own daily attitudes – not just in finding “the perfect gift.”  Exemplify and model love (and patience!) in thousands of little caring behaviors.

3.     Emphasize people, not projects. After all, aren’t the projects designed to benefit and create positive experiences for people? How much sense does it make to allow the projects to make us irritable and impatient with the very people for whom we allegedly want to “make happy.”  (I could write another article on the futility of the unrealistic goal of making everyone happy, but I’ll save that for another time.)

4.     Involve the family in giving to less-fortunate others outside the immediate circle. There are thousands of volunteer opportunities in your own community – either for serving or for providing material help for those in need.  This awareness and action is excellent training for children in combating selfishness and showing compassion.  Great life lessons!

Blessings for the most meaningful holiday season ever!!!

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Do you have other questions I haven’t included?  You can ask them and I’ll answer on the Shrink Rap suggestions for staying sane during the holidays.  While you’re at the Shrink Rap Blog, sign up to be notified of new posts at the top right of the page.

Questions and comments may also be shared at the social networking sites, Facebook, Linkedin, or Twitter.  I’d love to be connected with you there.  Just click those buttons on the home page of my website and request a connection and I’ll be glad to say “Yes!”

Want to reprint this?  The answer is “yes” if you include the following attribution: Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, speaker, Show Host at The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com), and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.”  Visit her website, www.DrBevSmallwood.com, or contact her directly at 601-264-0890.

USER’S GUIDE TO MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS: FAQ’s Part Six

Part 6:  Preventing Weight Gain in Holidays

It’s so hard not to put on those holiday pounds – much less to lose the pounds you want to during this season of goodies and parties and food gifts.  Add to the mix the problem with a chaotic schedule that renders exercise time to a back seat, and you have the recipe for diet disaster.  (Though I don’t like the term diet.  One, it implies a temporary phase, after which you will return to “normal,” which got you in this mess in the first place.  Second, the root word of diet is “die!”)

Let’s move on now to some tips for handling this challenging holiday task – maintaining a healthy weight by managing the behaviors that sabotage your success.

How can I keep from gaining weight during the holidays?

Because of the notorious 7 pounds that the average person gains during the holidays, it’s a noble goal to “not gain,” (much less lose) during this tempting period. However, it’s important to remember that the laws of nature do not change, just because we’re in this season.  If you take in more calories than you burn for energy, the remainder are stored in our bodies. For every 3500 calories that you consume and don’t use, you get a pound of stored energy, better known as fat. In the rush of the season, exercise time is crowded out, goodies are not resisted, large meals at family gatherings are the norm, and stress hormones run rampant.  Why is weight gain a surprise?

Reminded of the realities of how our bodies work, we can hold weight steady by honoring those realities. Put these 7 ideas to work to avoid holiday weight disasters.

1.     In your meal planning, select, delicious, lower-calorie dishes.  You and your family do not have to be deprived.  There are delicious alternatives that do not break the calorie bank.

2.     Don’t keep the “goodies” (more appropriately called “baddies”) around.  Availability sabotages impulse control.  It’s much easier to say no if you have to go to the trouble of going to get that craved food than if you simply have to go to the kitchen.

3.     Don’t neglect some form of exercise.  No matter how busy you are, schedule in that walk or that workout.  Make it a family affair.  For instance, enlist the commitment from participants in the post-holiday meal afternoon walk before that day when people are less than motivated for it. In general, if you don’t specifically schedule and plan for exercise, it won’t happen.

4.     Portion control, portion control, portion control!  It’s fine to have a little of almost everything.  It’s those piles of food and those seconds and even thirds that are the culprits.

5.     Slow it down! Research shows that it takes the brain about 20 minutes to recognize that the tummy is “full,” though there’s enough food there to create satiation. When you eat more slowly, you recognize that you’ve had enough.  When you continue to “stuff it down” for that extra 20 minutes, you’re then overstuffed!  Who wants to become a butterball turkey? Put your eating utensils down between bites and chew, chew, chew. Savor your food; actually taste it for a change!

6.     Don’t do other things while you’re eating.  Instead, concentrate on the food, savoring the taste of each bite.  No eating on the run, in front of the T.V., or in the car. You tend to eat much more when you’re eating unconsciously, hardly noticing what you’re eating.

7.     Eat at mealtime; minimize snacking.  Do you know what I mean by “grazing?”  You do, don’t you? You go and stand in front of the fridge or the cabinet, wondering what you can snack on next. You’re not really hungry.  More often you’re bored.  Or maybe you had a large dose of carbs a couple of hours ago, and now your blood sugar has dropped and you feel ravenous. Work on the good habit of eating at mealtimes, avoiding unplanned snacks. (Some say that 5 small meals are best.  However, don’t use this admonition as an excuse for 5 large meals.  That won’t work!)

8.     Don’t let your emotions be your guide. Emotional eating has sabotaged many a commitment.  Food has come to serve so many more functions than it should – e.g., comfort, stress relief, companionship, boredom relief, and entertainment. Tune in to your own tendencies by noticing next time you say to yourself, “I’m hungry.” What are you really feeling? Then address that.  When you are physically hungry because you have not had nutrition for a period of time, eat.  If you are bored, get out and do something.  If you are lonely, call someone or go visit someone.  (How about someone who is lonely and would love to have some company?) If you are anxious, become aware of your thoughts.  Face down the fear by confronting it in some small way. Get the picture?  Consciously take action in line with the emotion – don’t just throw food at it!

Holidays are an especially dangerous time, but these small habit changes can pay dividends all year ‘round!

The last question in this series is based on the fact that the season has become so commercialized.  Further, some would try to take the religious meaning away by removing terms like, “Merry Christmas,” or “Happy Hanukkah.”  (How narrow!) Next time, I’m going to share some tips with you on restoring and keeping meaning in the holiday season.

USER’S GUIDE TO MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS: FAQ’s Part Five

Part 5: Managing Holiday Time

Running here and there; checking things off the list, then adding more to it; dealing with the noise and hustle and bustle – at home as well as at the mall. Sometimes it’s just too much to handle.  This leads us to today’s question.

There’s just not enough time to get things done, with shopping, parties, cooking, planning for family gatherings. How can I deal with the pressures of time?

It’s easy to get overwhelmed with all the things that have to be done.  Any time you’re overwhelmed, it’s usually because there are so many things floating out there, it feels like you’ll never get them done.  They just seem like one huge weight on your mind, impossible to fathom.  Instead of digging in, you procrastinate – making the tasks feel even less do-able.

Any time you’re overwhelmed, the key is planning, breaking the larger tasks down into smaller, more “tackle-able” ones. Block out a few minutes to list the major categories of “projects,” e.g., shopping, party.  Then create smaller sections – e.g., shopping for John, food for the party. Then list even smaller tasks within those sub-categories, e.g., talk to John’s wife to learn his sizes, call Beth for her spinach salad recipe.  When you taken the time to do this and you have 15 minutes, you can select something to do.  (Something besides obsessing and stressing about how much you have to do.) You can choose to focus during this morning hour only on getting the grocery list created for the party.  You can set aside an afternoon for shopping, a task made more efficient by your list. 

While you might get even more overwhelmed when you see a 4-page list, this actually gives you a greater sense of control.  It might be a long list, but at least it’s on paper; you can see it.  It’s not a nebulous monster threatening your waking moments and dreams. 

Step by step, you can get it done.  The key is – schedule the time, and focus on one thing at that time.

Another area that most of us struggle with during the holidays is maintaining a healthy weight.  Not only are all the goodies tempting, but in the busy-ness we just discussed, it’s easy to neglect exercises.  We’ll talk about those challenges in our next edition of Holiday FAQ’s.

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Do you have other questions I haven’t included?  You can ask them and I’ll answer on the Shrink Rap suggestions for staying sane during the holidays.  While you’re at the Shrink Rap Blog, sign up to be notified of new posts at the top right of the page.

Questions and comments may also be shared at the social networking sites, Facebook, Linkedin, or Twitter.  I’d love to be connected with you there.  Just click those buttons on the home page of my website and request a connection and I’ll be glad to say “Yes!”

Want to reprint this?  The answer is “yes” if you include the following attribution: Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, speaker, Show Host at The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com), and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.”  Visit her website, www.DrBevSmallwood.com, or contact her directly at 601-264-0890.

USER’S GUIDE TO MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS: FAQ’s Part Four

Part 4: Preventing Financial Disaster

In a recent survey by the American Psychological Association on stress, people said that financial woes produced their chief woes during the holidays.  But is it necessary to spend a lot of money in order to make it a great time of celebration?

How can we keep from maxing out financially, especially when kids seem to want everything and have no idea how hard it is to juggle the money issues?

Not only is it financially wise to put the brakes on extravagant spending, it is good parenting to refuse to reinforce in your children the “gimme” mentality. After all, the season is about giving, not getting. It’s about love – not lust for more things.  It’s about reflection on the true meaning of the season and the values taught by your faith.  So this discussion involves more than preventing the maxing of the credit cards.  It’s about actively teaching your kids a way of life that does not include “entitlement.”

Leading up to your own celebration, actively involve your kids in some kind of family project to help the less fortunate. One Christmas, my grandchildren and I adopted a family whose home had burned.  I asked the Red Cross for a family with children about the same age as each of the grands, and got permission to deliver the presents ourselves.  Planning and talking about this needs of a family who had lost everything put our own wants into perspective.

Even young children can be taught the value of money by essentially giving them a budget and allowing them to select what they want within those parameters.  They get practice in making choices and trade-offs, which we all have to do in life, don’t we? It’s a great life lesson to gradually come to understand that resources have to be shared with others, and that you don’t always get what you want when you want it. .By the way, it absolutely will not damage their little psyches to hear the word “no.”

The next installment of these holiday FAQ’s involves the daunting challenge of getting everything – no, the most important things done during the holiday season.  More than ever, it’s essential to be able to manage your time.  We’ll discuss that in the next segment.

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Do you have other questions I haven’t included?  You can ask them and I’ll answer on the Shrink Rap suggestions for staying sane during the holidays.  While you’re at the Shrink Rap Blog, sign up to be notified of new posts at the top right of the page.

Questions and comments may also be shared at the social networking sites, Facebook, Linkedin, or Twitter.  I’d love to be connected with you there.  Just click those buttons on the home page of my website and request a connection and I’ll be glad to say “Yes!”

Want to reprint this?  The answer is “yes” if you include the following attribution: Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, speaker, Show Host at The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com), and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.”  Visit her website, www.DrBevSmallwood.com, or contact her directly at 601-264-0890.

USER’S GUIDE TO MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS: FAQ’s Part Three

Part 3:  Keeping the Drama Out of Family Gatherings

Today we’re continuing our discussion on the special challenges of the holiday season.  One of the biggies involves the family dynamics that seem to play out even more dramatically during holiday events.  If you find yourself dreading certain family members’ visits or the seemingly inevitable chaos that occurs when your family convenes, read on.

How can I keep family gatherings calm and stay out the drama?

 Why do we think that, under the stress, pressure, and often the “liquid courage,” somehow the dysfunctional extended family dynamics of decades will somehow vanish and be replaced by “peace on earth, good will toward men?” Even for family members who are basically loving and peaceful, the enduring stress of the holidays can create irritation and impatience.

Here are a few tips:

1.     (I say this again because it’s so important.)  Let go of your foolish expectations that all will be perfect and peaceful.  People are people, and they are often less than either perfect or peaceful.. (Ahem! Writer and reader of this article not excluded!)

2.     You probably know the quirks of the individuals who will be present.  Resolve not to let their predictable behaviors and attitudes get under your skin and spoil your enjoyment.  Say to yourself with a private smile, “Oh, well, that’s just him (or her).” Keep your composure, and focus your attention instead on people with whom you can relate more positively.

3.     Let go of the notion that this is the year you finally get your family to “do it right.”  If you could have worked that magic, you would have done it a long time ago.  You can’t change other people, or hadn’t you noticed?

4.     Minimize the use of alcohol.  One of the first effects of alcohol is to diminish inhibitions and judgment – and heaven knows, most families need to exercise both.  They do need to be wise about their words, not just say whatever comes to mind.  They need a little (a lot!) of judgment about how to interact, especially if they have not done so well in the past. If there is even one person in the family who has or has had a problem with alcohol, holidays memories may not be pleasant, and those bad feelings can be easily triggered.  True joy does not come in a bottle.

Our next FAQ involves the money and financial worries generated by holiday overspending.  Looking forward to talking about that with you.

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Do you have other questions I haven’t included?  You can ask them and I’ll answer on the Shrink Rap suggestions for staying sane during the holidays.  While you’re at the Shrink Rap Blog, sign up to be notified of new posts at the top right of the page.

Questions and comments may also be shared at the social networking sites, Facebook, Linkedin, or Twitter.  I’d love to be connected with you there.  Just click those buttons on the home page of my website and request a connection and I’ll be glad to say “Yes!”

Want to reprint this?  The answer is “yes” if you include the following attribution: Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, speaker, Show Host at The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com), and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.”  Visit her website, www.DrBevSmallwood.com, or contact her directly at 601-264-0890.

USER’S GUIDE TO MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS: FAQ’s Part Two

What if I’ve experienced a recent tragedy or break-up? 

The first and (my clients tell me) especially the second holiday season after a significant loss brings special pain.  It does become less intense as time goes by, but don’t expect it to be easy this year. 

It’s fruitless to try to ignore the 800-pound gorilla in the room. However, don’t give him front and center stage the entire season either. Carve out some blocks of time to do some active work on the grief process (See Chapter 8 and other chapters of my book, “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me” for specific instructions.) These concentrated times of “doing the work” make it a little less likely that you will be blindsided by grief at inopportune times.

 If others with whom you are sharing the holiday get-together have also experienced or are feeling your loss, plan a section of your gathering to talk about the traumatic event or person, to pray together about it, have a time of silent meditation, or otherwise to memorialize the loss.  While this may sound like it would “spoil” everything, it actually has the effect of giving you greater freedom to relax, experience some enjoyment together in the rest of your celebration., and make the best of a difficult time.

The next FAQ is one I’m often asked:  How can I keep family gatherings calm and stay out of the drama? Stay tuned!

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Do you have other questions I haven’t included?  You can ask them and I’ll answer on the Shrink Rap suggestions for staying sane during the holidays.  While you’re at the Shrink Rap Blog, sign up to be notified of new posts at the top right of the page.

Questions and comments may also be shared at the social networking sites, Facebook, Linkedin, or Twitter.  I’d love to be connected with you there.  Just click those buttons on the home page of my website and request a connection and I’ll be glad to say “Yes!”

Want to reprint this?  The answer is “yes” if you include the following attribution: Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, speaker, Show Host at The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com), and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.”  Visit her website, www.DrBevSmallwood.com, or contact her directly at 601-264-0890.

USER’S GUIDE TO MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS: FAQ’s

Part 1: Why Depression?

Every year about this time, my clients begin asking the questions and the calls come in from the media.  The basic query is, “How can we deal with holiday stress?” So this year, I’ve decided to do things a little differently  I’m going to share with you a series throughout the holidays, answering the most Frequently Asked Questions, along with some pointers that just may help you avoid becoming a stressed-out, maxed-out Grinch!

Here are some of the questions we’ll be discussing:

· (Today) Why do I get depressed during the holidays?

· What if I’ve experienced a recent tragedy or break-up?

· How can I keep family gatherings calm and stay out of the drama?

· How can we keep from maxing out financially, especially when kids seem to want everything and have no idea how hard it is to juggle the money issues?

· There’s just not enough time to get things done, with shopping, parties, cooking, planning for family gatherings. How can I deal with the pressures of time?

· How can I keep from gaining weight during the holidays?

· What are some ways to restore the real meaning of the season?

· And others that inquiring minds want to know!  (That’s you!  Just ask!)

OK, time now for the first question.

Why do I get depressed during the holidays?

Many get depressed because they are feeling a sense of loss, missing someone who is no longer present.  Grief is a common experience during these times we perceive as family/loved ones occasions.  Absences are conspicuous and painful.

A second reason for holiday depression is unrealistic expectations.  It’s not possible for every event to be perfect, every gift to be perfect, and every relationship to be perfect.  Quite the contrary, in fact. Perfection is an unrealistic goal any time – especially during a season when we are stretched so thin.  With a perfectionistic standard, you are sure to be disappointed – and possibly depressed.

Some feel depression because of the ghosts of Christmas past. If you grew up in a family where alcoholism or family dysfunction made holidays hazardous, you may re-experience that anxiety or depression as the holiday time approaches.  Past trauma tends to be “re-felt” when memories are triggered.

A fourth cause of holiday depression is exhaustion.  Running here and there, neglecting self care, and feeling overwhelmed are great ingredients in the recipe for that heavy feeling interpreted as depression.  You may just be really tired and stressed out. 

Find out how to avoid these in later installments of this holiday FAQ series!

Next question we’ll discuss:  What if I’ve experienced a recent tragedy or break-up?

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Do you have other questions I haven’t included?  You can ask them and I’ll answer on the Shrink Rap suggestions for staying sane during the holidays.  While you’re at the Shrink Rap Blog, sign up to be notified of new posts at the top right of the page.

Questions and comments may also be shared at the social networking sites, Facebook, Linkedin, or Twitter.  I’d love to be connected with you there.  Just click those buttons on the home page of my website and request a connection and I’ll be glad to say “Yes!”

Want to reprint this?  The answer is “yes” if you include the following attribution: Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, speaker, Show Host at The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com), and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.”  Visit her website, www.DrBevSmallwood.com, or contact her directly at 601-264-0890.

GIVEAWAYS EVERY HOUR IN THE ONLINE LAUNCH OF THE WOMEN’S INFORMATION NETWORK!

 

TODAY and the next twelve days!!!

GIVEAWAYS EVERY HOUR IN THE ONLINE LAUNCH OF THE WOMEN’S INFORMATION NETWORK!

Earlier I shared with you that I’m honored to be the host of two shows on The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com):  The Magnetic Workplaces Show, which is in full swing, and Hope on the Home Front, a show for military families which will be launched in January 2010. 

The WIN is a new online and offline media and social network for women.  Their mission is to “strengthen women and families worldwide.” The WIN’s 30+ channels showcase free, bite-sized solutions focused on relevant topics for women.  It is the first entity of its kind to provide a stage for high-quality content presented by experts on a huge variety of life-changing issues such as health and wellness, career, finance, parenting, marriage, and retirement.  In addition to shows and articles, The WIN offers ways for women to share their ideas, opinions, and expertise with other women.

While the “offline” launch of the network occurred late September, today is the official online launch.  In celebration of that, The WIN is giving away gifts every hour to those who register as a member of the online community.  (Registration is free.) Don’t miss this.  In fact, I’m giving away three autographed copies of my book, “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me:  10 Make-or-Break Choices When Life Steals Your Dreams and Rocks Your World,” and a one-hour consultation on a work or personal issue.

Become a member of the WIN community now and gain access to an unbelievable amount of practical, helpful, and FREE content!

Resilience is Getting Back Up

I didn’t watch the American Music Awards, but I saw the clip this morning.  In the midst of a rousing dance in which Jennifer Lopez was to jump from the back of a stooped fellow dancer.  When she hit the floor, she went down splat.  But in an unbelievable split second, she got back up and was dancing like crazy.  In fact, it all happened so fast, it made you wonder if the fall really happened or if it was just a part of the show.

No, it was not intended; it really happened.  But so did that true professional rebound! She didn’t stay down, wallow in the embarrassment of her problem, or feel sorry for herself.  She got up and danced. 

That’s what we have to do, too.  I’ve heard it said that it’s not how many times you fall down, it’s how many times you get back up.  (It needs to be at least one more time than you fell down.)

Next time you fall or get knocked down, take a lesson from Jennifer. 

Remember, J. Lo didn’t stay low!!!

 

Dr. Bev Smallwood, Psychologist, Author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me,” Host of The Magnetic Workplaces Show on The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com).

Women and Willpower Problems

Women and Willpower Problems Article

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