Shrink Rap

USER’S GUIDE TO MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS: FAQ’s Part Four

Part 4: Preventing Financial Disaster

In a recent survey by the American Psychological Association on stress, people said that financial woes produced their chief woes during the holidays.  But is it necessary to spend a lot of money in order to make it a great time of celebration?

How can we keep from maxing out financially, especially when kids seem to want everything and have no idea how hard it is to juggle the money issues?

Not only is it financially wise to put the brakes on extravagant spending, it is good parenting to refuse to reinforce in your children the “gimme” mentality. After all, the season is about giving, not getting. It’s about love – not lust for more things.  It’s about reflection on the true meaning of the season and the values taught by your faith.  So this discussion involves more than preventing the maxing of the credit cards.  It’s about actively teaching your kids a way of life that does not include “entitlement.”

Leading up to your own celebration, actively involve your kids in some kind of family project to help the less fortunate. One Christmas, my grandchildren and I adopted a family whose home had burned.  I asked the Red Cross for a family with children about the same age as each of the grands, and got permission to deliver the presents ourselves.  Planning and talking about this needs of a family who had lost everything put our own wants into perspective.

Even young children can be taught the value of money by essentially giving them a budget and allowing them to select what they want within those parameters.  They get practice in making choices and trade-offs, which we all have to do in life, don’t we? It’s a great life lesson to gradually come to understand that resources have to be shared with others, and that you don’t always get what you want when you want it. .By the way, it absolutely will not damage their little psyches to hear the word “no.”

The next installment of these holiday FAQ’s involves the daunting challenge of getting everything – no, the most important things done during the holiday season.  More than ever, it’s essential to be able to manage your time.  We’ll discuss that in the next segment.

***************************************************************************

Do you have other questions I haven’t included?  You can ask them and I’ll answer on the Shrink Rap suggestions for staying sane during the holidays.  While you’re at the Shrink Rap Blog, sign up to be notified of new posts at the top right of the page.

Questions and comments may also be shared at the social networking sites, Facebook, Linkedin, or Twitter.  I’d love to be connected with you there.  Just click those buttons on the home page of my website and request a connection and I’ll be glad to say “Yes!”

Want to reprint this?  The answer is “yes” if you include the following attribution: Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, speaker, Show Host at The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com), and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.”  Visit her website, www.DrBevSmallwood.com, or contact her directly at 601-264-0890.

USER’S GUIDE TO MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS: FAQ’s Part Three

Part 3:  Keeping the Drama Out of Family Gatherings

Today we’re continuing our discussion on the special challenges of the holiday season.  One of the biggies involves the family dynamics that seem to play out even more dramatically during holiday events.  If you find yourself dreading certain family members’ visits or the seemingly inevitable chaos that occurs when your family convenes, read on.

How can I keep family gatherings calm and stay out the drama?

 Why do we think that, under the stress, pressure, and often the “liquid courage,” somehow the dysfunctional extended family dynamics of decades will somehow vanish and be replaced by “peace on earth, good will toward men?” Even for family members who are basically loving and peaceful, the enduring stress of the holidays can create irritation and impatience.

Here are a few tips:

1.     (I say this again because it’s so important.)  Let go of your foolish expectations that all will be perfect and peaceful.  People are people, and they are often less than either perfect or peaceful.. (Ahem! Writer and reader of this article not excluded!)

2.     You probably know the quirks of the individuals who will be present.  Resolve not to let their predictable behaviors and attitudes get under your skin and spoil your enjoyment.  Say to yourself with a private smile, “Oh, well, that’s just him (or her).” Keep your composure, and focus your attention instead on people with whom you can relate more positively.

3.     Let go of the notion that this is the year you finally get your family to “do it right.”  If you could have worked that magic, you would have done it a long time ago.  You can’t change other people, or hadn’t you noticed?

4.     Minimize the use of alcohol.  One of the first effects of alcohol is to diminish inhibitions and judgment – and heaven knows, most families need to exercise both.  They do need to be wise about their words, not just say whatever comes to mind.  They need a little (a lot!) of judgment about how to interact, especially if they have not done so well in the past. If there is even one person in the family who has or has had a problem with alcohol, holidays memories may not be pleasant, and those bad feelings can be easily triggered.  True joy does not come in a bottle.

Our next FAQ involves the money and financial worries generated by holiday overspending.  Looking forward to talking about that with you.

 ***************************************************************************

Do you have other questions I haven’t included?  You can ask them and I’ll answer on the Shrink Rap suggestions for staying sane during the holidays.  While you’re at the Shrink Rap Blog, sign up to be notified of new posts at the top right of the page.

Questions and comments may also be shared at the social networking sites, Facebook, Linkedin, or Twitter.  I’d love to be connected with you there.  Just click those buttons on the home page of my website and request a connection and I’ll be glad to say “Yes!”

Want to reprint this?  The answer is “yes” if you include the following attribution: Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, speaker, Show Host at The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com), and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.”  Visit her website, www.DrBevSmallwood.com, or contact her directly at 601-264-0890.

Resilience is Getting Back Up

I didn’t watch the American Music Awards, but I saw the clip this morning.  In the midst of a rousing dance in which Jennifer Lopez was to jump from the back of a stooped fellow dancer.  When she hit the floor, she went down splat.  But in an unbelievable split second, she got back up and was dancing like crazy.  In fact, it all happened so fast, it made you wonder if the fall really happened or if it was just a part of the show.

No, it was not intended; it really happened.  But so did that true professional rebound! She didn’t stay down, wallow in the embarrassment of her problem, or feel sorry for herself.  She got up and danced. 

That’s what we have to do, too.  I’ve heard it said that it’s not how many times you fall down, it’s how many times you get back up.  (It needs to be at least one more time than you fell down.)

Next time you fall or get knocked down, take a lesson from Jennifer. 

Remember, J. Lo didn’t stay low!!!

 

Dr. Bev Smallwood, Psychologist, Author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me,” Host of The Magnetic Workplaces Show on The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com).