Part 3: Keeping the Drama Out of Family Gatherings
Today we’re continuing our discussion on the special challenges of the holiday season. One of the biggies involves the family dynamics that seem to play out even more dramatically during holiday events. If you find yourself dreading certain family members’ visits or the seemingly inevitable chaos that occurs when your family convenes, read on.
How can I keep family gatherings calm and stay out the drama?
Why do we think that, under the stress, pressure, and often the “liquid courage,” somehow the dysfunctional extended family dynamics of decades will somehow vanish and be replaced by “peace on earth, good will toward men?” Even for family members who are basically loving and peaceful, the enduring stress of the holidays can create irritation and impatience.
Here are a few tips:
1. (I say this again because it’s so important.) Let go of your foolish expectations that all will be perfect and peaceful. People are people, and they are often less than either perfect or peaceful.. (Ahem! Writer and reader of this article not excluded!)
2. You probably know the quirks of the individuals who will be present. Resolve not to let their predictable behaviors and attitudes get under your skin and spoil your enjoyment. Say to yourself with a private smile, “Oh, well, that’s just him (or her).” Keep your composure, and focus your attention instead on people with whom you can relate more positively.
3. Let go of the notion that this is the year you finally get your family to “do it right.” If you could have worked that magic, you would have done it a long time ago. You can’t change other people, or hadn’t you noticed?
4. Minimize the use of alcohol. One of the first effects of alcohol is to diminish inhibitions and judgment – and heaven knows, most families need to exercise both. They do need to be wise about their words, not just say whatever comes to mind. They need a little (a lot!) of judgment about how to interact, especially if they have not done so well in the past. If there is even one person in the family who has or has had a problem with alcohol, holidays memories may not be pleasant, and those bad feelings can be easily triggered. True joy does not come in a bottle.
Our next FAQ involves the money and financial worries generated by holiday overspending. Looking forward to talking about that with you.
Do you have other questions I haven’t included? You can ask them and I’ll answer on the Shrink Rap suggestions for staying sane during the holidays. While you’re at the Shrink Rap Blog, sign up to be notified of new posts at the top right of the page.
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Want to reprint this? The answer is “yes” if you include the following attribution: Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, speaker, Show Host at The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com), and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.” Visit her website, www.DrBevSmallwood.com, or contact her directly at 601-264-0890.
