Shrink Rap

Article Regarding Military Families

Interesting article in Time Magazine on Military Families - one of my key interests. 
Remember them in a kind and practical way this holiday season.  They sacrifice so much.

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1940694,00.html

USER’S GUIDE TO MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS: FAQ’s

Part 1: Why Depression?

Every year about this time, my clients begin asking the questions and the calls come in from the media.  The basic query is, “How can we deal with holiday stress?” So this year, I’ve decided to do things a little differently  I’m going to share with you a series throughout the holidays, answering the most Frequently Asked Questions, along with some pointers that just may help you avoid becoming a stressed-out, maxed-out Grinch!

Here are some of the questions we’ll be discussing:

· (Today) Why do I get depressed during the holidays?

· What if I’ve experienced a recent tragedy or break-up?

· How can I keep family gatherings calm and stay out of the drama?

· How can we keep from maxing out financially, especially when kids seem to want everything and have no idea how hard it is to juggle the money issues?

· There’s just not enough time to get things done, with shopping, parties, cooking, planning for family gatherings. How can I deal with the pressures of time?

· How can I keep from gaining weight during the holidays?

· What are some ways to restore the real meaning of the season?

· And others that inquiring minds want to know!  (That’s you!  Just ask!)

OK, time now for the first question.

Why do I get depressed during the holidays?

Many get depressed because they are feeling a sense of loss, missing someone who is no longer present.  Grief is a common experience during these times we perceive as family/loved ones occasions.  Absences are conspicuous and painful.

A second reason for holiday depression is unrealistic expectations.  It’s not possible for every event to be perfect, every gift to be perfect, and every relationship to be perfect.  Quite the contrary, in fact. Perfection is an unrealistic goal any time – especially during a season when we are stretched so thin.  With a perfectionistic standard, you are sure to be disappointed – and possibly depressed.

Some feel depression because of the ghosts of Christmas past. If you grew up in a family where alcoholism or family dysfunction made holidays hazardous, you may re-experience that anxiety or depression as the holiday time approaches.  Past trauma tends to be “re-felt” when memories are triggered.

A fourth cause of holiday depression is exhaustion.  Running here and there, neglecting self care, and feeling overwhelmed are great ingredients in the recipe for that heavy feeling interpreted as depression.  You may just be really tired and stressed out. 

Find out how to avoid these in later installments of this holiday FAQ series!

Next question we’ll discuss:  What if I’ve experienced a recent tragedy or break-up?

*********************************************************************

Do you have other questions I haven’t included?  You can ask them and I’ll answer on the Shrink Rap suggestions for staying sane during the holidays.  While you’re at the Shrink Rap Blog, sign up to be notified of new posts at the top right of the page.

Questions and comments may also be shared at the social networking sites, Facebook, Linkedin, or Twitter.  I’d love to be connected with you there.  Just click those buttons on the home page of my website and request a connection and I’ll be glad to say “Yes!”

Want to reprint this?  The answer is “yes” if you include the following attribution: Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, speaker, Show Host at The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com), and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.”  Visit her website, www.DrBevSmallwood.com, or contact her directly at 601-264-0890.

GIVEAWAYS EVERY HOUR IN THE ONLINE LAUNCH OF THE WOMEN’S INFORMATION NETWORK!

 

TODAY and the next twelve days!!!

GIVEAWAYS EVERY HOUR IN THE ONLINE LAUNCH OF THE WOMEN’S INFORMATION NETWORK!

Earlier I shared with you that I’m honored to be the host of two shows on The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com):  The Magnetic Workplaces Show, which is in full swing, and Hope on the Home Front, a show for military families which will be launched in January 2010. 

The WIN is a new online and offline media and social network for women.  Their mission is to “strengthen women and families worldwide.” The WIN’s 30+ channels showcase free, bite-sized solutions focused on relevant topics for women.  It is the first entity of its kind to provide a stage for high-quality content presented by experts on a huge variety of life-changing issues such as health and wellness, career, finance, parenting, marriage, and retirement.  In addition to shows and articles, The WIN offers ways for women to share their ideas, opinions, and expertise with other women.

While the “offline” launch of the network occurred late September, today is the official online launch.  In celebration of that, The WIN is giving away gifts every hour to those who register as a member of the online community.  (Registration is free.) Don’t miss this.  In fact, I’m giving away three autographed copies of my book, “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me:  10 Make-or-Break Choices When Life Steals Your Dreams and Rocks Your World,” and a one-hour consultation on a work or personal issue.

Become a member of the WIN community now and gain access to an unbelievable amount of practical, helpful, and FREE content!

Some Annoying Phrases Can Be Psychologically Healthy

I just read an interesting post about the Top 10 Annoying Phrases at http://www.asylum.com/2009/11/18/10-annoying-phrases-that-serve-no-purpose?icid=main|htmlws-sb-n|dl5|link3|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.asylum.com%2F2009%2F11%2F18%2F10-annoying-phrases-that-serve-no-purpose.

I do agree that most or all of these phrases, along with some of the ones added in the comments section, can be annoying to the listener.  So, the message here is, don't use your out-loud voice for them!

However, said to oneself, a couple of these can serve a purpose.  For instance, the offender, "Whatever."  This can be a way of distancing yourself from something potentially upsetting so that you can refocus and move on. 

Another personally helpful one is, "It is what it is." (Not to be confused with the famous quote, "It depends on what is is.") In my book, "This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me," I delineate ten critical choices, and the very first one is the choice between denial and reality.  "It is what it is" is the first step toward coming to terms with the facts of a situation (not what you think they should be).  That's the first step of problem-solving.   

Let's talk about "Everything happens for a reason." I have observed that some find this philosophy helpful in coping with something themselves.  However, I do not believe that, on balance, it's the best thing to say to yourself.  Otherwise, you're searching for some cosmic reason that something happened rather than searching for how you will BRING SOMETHING GOOD out of it - even though it was a terrible event.  And please, please, please do not say this phrase to someone who has just undergone a tragedy.  It's not just annoying - it's hurtful.

What do you think about the 10 phrases?

Would you add your own "most annoying" to this list?

Let me hear from you.

Dr. Bev Smallwood, Psychologist; Author, This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me:  10 Make-or-Break Choices When Life Steals Your Dreams and Rocks Your World; Show Host, The Magnetic Workplaces Show, at The Women's Information Network, thewinonline.com.

The Power of Thank You - Even in Adversity

Today, Thanksgiving Day 2009, we gather with family and reflect on all the blessings we have that, unfortunately, we usually take for granted. How important it is to pause regularly and give thanks to God and to the people who make a difference in our lives! 

Looking back on my life, when I consider my blessings, many of them have come in the most difficult of times.  Set against the backdrop of darkness, the gifts shine like a diamond against black velvet. 

In my most trying times, I've been thankful for:

1) people who care enough to be there, even in the smallest of ways;

2) the lessons I've learned that I could not have learned in happier times;

3) the wake-up calls I've heard;

4) the perspectives I've gained on what is truly "small stuff" (compared to the big stuff);

5) meaningful work that lets me know I'm here for a reason;

6) greater resilience and confidence that I can weather future storms (After this, other things will be a piece of cake!):

7) (most importantly) the knowledge that God will never leave or forsake me.

If this Thanksgiving happens to be one of those tough times for you - take courage! Today, look for the things that are good in your life - even if other things are overwhelming right now.  Develop the mindset of gratitude today.  No matter where you are or what life has handed you, there is power in the thankful heart. 

What "gifts" have you received in troubled times, for which you are thankful today?

Love you all...and I give thanks for you!!

Dr. Bev

Resilience is Getting Back Up

I didn’t watch the American Music Awards, but I saw the clip this morning.  In the midst of a rousing dance in which Jennifer Lopez was to jump from the back of a stooped fellow dancer.  When she hit the floor, she went down splat.  But in an unbelievable split second, she got back up and was dancing like crazy.  In fact, it all happened so fast, it made you wonder if the fall really happened or if it was just a part of the show.

No, it was not intended; it really happened.  But so did that true professional rebound! She didn’t stay down, wallow in the embarrassment of her problem, or feel sorry for herself.  She got up and danced. 

That’s what we have to do, too.  I’ve heard it said that it’s not how many times you fall down, it’s how many times you get back up.  (It needs to be at least one more time than you fell down.)

Next time you fall or get knocked down, take a lesson from Jennifer. 

Remember, J. Lo didn’t stay low!!!

 

Dr. Bev Smallwood, Psychologist, Author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me,” Host of The Magnetic Workplaces Show on The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com).

Women and Willpower Problems

Women and Willpower Problems Article

What do you think?

 

Perfectionism Creates Failure

Last week I was working with my youngest grandson, Eli, on his reading fair project.  We had conceptualized our storyboard presentation of "Curious George Makes Pancakes," and we had begun the laborious process of have him print with colored markers the items required - summary, author, mood, conflict, solution, etc.  Our idea was to write on white paper, then put the white paper on colored paper to post to the story board.  White paper with no lines, that is, and writing there in any kind of reasonably straight line was a daunting task for an 8-year-old.  So I created some guide lines in pencil, which we erased after the color printing was complete.

All was going well for a while, until the little fellow began to get tired and a little careless about where his letters landed, despite the lines.  I cautioned him, "Eli, now watch your lines and let your letters come down to here." With a disgusted look and frustrated tone, Eli responded, "BeBe, if it's perfect, I'm gonna get a flat-out F because they will know a kid did not do it!"

O.K., Eli, ya got a point there.  In fact, it's probably a point for all of us.  If you try so hard to do things perfectly, this really can result in failure.  Because you'll never do it just right, you can chronically feel like a failure.  Over time, you lose confidence because you become convinced you'll just never measure up.  (And you won't, with the unrealistic standard of perfection.) Because you want to have JUST the right time to do something JUST RIGHT, you can procrastinate and miss the opportunity altogether or do less than your best with last-minute scrambling. Your decision-making can be painfully slow (again missing opportunities and frustrating the heck out of others) because you want to make JUST THE RIGHT decision.  

Perfectionism is conscientiousness run amuck.  It's a strength to be committed to doing things well, to using your talents, to behaving responsibly and conscientiously.  However, don't get that out of balance.  Stay out of the trap of perfectionism.

As my good friend and business coach Mark LeBlanc (www.SmallBusinessSuccess.com) reminds me, "Done is better than perfect!" 

Let's talk about it!

What have been your experiences with perfectionism? 

Has it worked for you or against you? 

If you are a recovering perfectionist, what are some of the things you've done to aid your recovery?

Dr. Bev Smallwood: Psychologist; Professional Speaker; Show Host on The Women's Information Network (www.thewinonline.com); Author, "This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me;" Website:  www.DrBevSmallwood.com.

 

Check Out My Latest Episode on the WIN about the Ten Choices for Resilience!

Click here to see the video for Choice 2!

Healing After Trauma: The Fort Hood Challenge

The Commander of Fort Hood said after the memorial services, “Now the healing must begin.”  He’s right.  During those early times after tragedy occurs, people tend to be in shock and denial, and they manage to go through the motions to get through the necessary rituals and actions.  In my book, “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me:  10 Make-or-Break Choices When Life Steals Your Dreams and Rocks Your World,’ I call this defense mechanism, “the emotional circuit breaker.”  It “shuts you down” in order to prevent destroying “the system” by overload.  As the reality starts the dawn and the full import of the tragic events hits, individuals and communities must engage in the painful and laborious process of healing. 

The ten choices I discuss in the book are not one-time choices, but a commitment to a set of principles by which ongoing choices will be made.  The choices individuals make will determine whether the horrific tragedy will destroy them or will ultimately make them a stronger, more compassionate, more purposeful people.  These make-or-break choices are:

· denial vs. reality;

· victimhood vs. responsibility;

· why vs. how;

· doubt vs. faith;

· bitterness vs. forgiveness;

· guilt vs. self-forgiveness;

· isolation vs. connection;

· depression vs. grief;

· avoidance vs. courage;

· powerlessness vs. purpose.

I’m doing a video podcast series on the Ten Choices on my Women’s Information Network Show, The Magnetic Workplaces Show – and don’t forget to pick up the book, “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.” 

I’d love to hear about your experiences in your attempt to implement any of these choices.  Feel free to comment here, and I’ll respond.