Shrink Rap

USER’S GUIDE TO MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS: FAQ’s Part Five

Part 5: Managing Holiday Time

Running here and there; checking things off the list, then adding more to it; dealing with the noise and hustle and bustle – at home as well as at the mall. Sometimes it’s just too much to handle.  This leads us to today’s question.

There’s just not enough time to get things done, with shopping, parties, cooking, planning for family gatherings. How can I deal with the pressures of time?

It’s easy to get overwhelmed with all the things that have to be done.  Any time you’re overwhelmed, it’s usually because there are so many things floating out there, it feels like you’ll never get them done.  They just seem like one huge weight on your mind, impossible to fathom.  Instead of digging in, you procrastinate – making the tasks feel even less do-able.

Any time you’re overwhelmed, the key is planning, breaking the larger tasks down into smaller, more “tackle-able” ones. Block out a few minutes to list the major categories of “projects,” e.g., shopping, party.  Then create smaller sections – e.g., shopping for John, food for the party. Then list even smaller tasks within those sub-categories, e.g., talk to John’s wife to learn his sizes, call Beth for her spinach salad recipe.  When you taken the time to do this and you have 15 minutes, you can select something to do.  (Something besides obsessing and stressing about how much you have to do.) You can choose to focus during this morning hour only on getting the grocery list created for the party.  You can set aside an afternoon for shopping, a task made more efficient by your list. 

While you might get even more overwhelmed when you see a 4-page list, this actually gives you a greater sense of control.  It might be a long list, but at least it’s on paper; you can see it.  It’s not a nebulous monster threatening your waking moments and dreams. 

Step by step, you can get it done.  The key is – schedule the time, and focus on one thing at that time.

Another area that most of us struggle with during the holidays is maintaining a healthy weight.  Not only are all the goodies tempting, but in the busy-ness we just discussed, it’s easy to neglect exercises.  We’ll talk about those challenges in our next edition of Holiday FAQ’s.

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Do you have other questions I haven’t included?  You can ask them and I’ll answer on the Shrink Rap suggestions for staying sane during the holidays.  While you’re at the Shrink Rap Blog, sign up to be notified of new posts at the top right of the page.

Questions and comments may also be shared at the social networking sites, Facebook, Linkedin, or Twitter.  I’d love to be connected with you there.  Just click those buttons on the home page of my website and request a connection and I’ll be glad to say “Yes!”

Want to reprint this?  The answer is “yes” if you include the following attribution: Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, speaker, Show Host at The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com), and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.”  Visit her website, www.DrBevSmallwood.com, or contact her directly at 601-264-0890.

USER’S GUIDE TO MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS: FAQ’s Part Four

Part 4: Preventing Financial Disaster

In a recent survey by the American Psychological Association on stress, people said that financial woes produced their chief woes during the holidays.  But is it necessary to spend a lot of money in order to make it a great time of celebration?

How can we keep from maxing out financially, especially when kids seem to want everything and have no idea how hard it is to juggle the money issues?

Not only is it financially wise to put the brakes on extravagant spending, it is good parenting to refuse to reinforce in your children the “gimme” mentality. After all, the season is about giving, not getting. It’s about love – not lust for more things.  It’s about reflection on the true meaning of the season and the values taught by your faith.  So this discussion involves more than preventing the maxing of the credit cards.  It’s about actively teaching your kids a way of life that does not include “entitlement.”

Leading up to your own celebration, actively involve your kids in some kind of family project to help the less fortunate. One Christmas, my grandchildren and I adopted a family whose home had burned.  I asked the Red Cross for a family with children about the same age as each of the grands, and got permission to deliver the presents ourselves.  Planning and talking about this needs of a family who had lost everything put our own wants into perspective.

Even young children can be taught the value of money by essentially giving them a budget and allowing them to select what they want within those parameters.  They get practice in making choices and trade-offs, which we all have to do in life, don’t we? It’s a great life lesson to gradually come to understand that resources have to be shared with others, and that you don’t always get what you want when you want it. .By the way, it absolutely will not damage their little psyches to hear the word “no.”

The next installment of these holiday FAQ’s involves the daunting challenge of getting everything – no, the most important things done during the holiday season.  More than ever, it’s essential to be able to manage your time.  We’ll discuss that in the next segment.

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Do you have other questions I haven’t included?  You can ask them and I’ll answer on the Shrink Rap suggestions for staying sane during the holidays.  While you’re at the Shrink Rap Blog, sign up to be notified of new posts at the top right of the page.

Questions and comments may also be shared at the social networking sites, Facebook, Linkedin, or Twitter.  I’d love to be connected with you there.  Just click those buttons on the home page of my website and request a connection and I’ll be glad to say “Yes!”

Want to reprint this?  The answer is “yes” if you include the following attribution: Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, speaker, Show Host at The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com), and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.”  Visit her website, www.DrBevSmallwood.com, or contact her directly at 601-264-0890.

USER’S GUIDE TO MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS: FAQ’s Part Three

Part 3:  Keeping the Drama Out of Family Gatherings

Today we’re continuing our discussion on the special challenges of the holiday season.  One of the biggies involves the family dynamics that seem to play out even more dramatically during holiday events.  If you find yourself dreading certain family members’ visits or the seemingly inevitable chaos that occurs when your family convenes, read on.

How can I keep family gatherings calm and stay out the drama?

 Why do we think that, under the stress, pressure, and often the “liquid courage,” somehow the dysfunctional extended family dynamics of decades will somehow vanish and be replaced by “peace on earth, good will toward men?” Even for family members who are basically loving and peaceful, the enduring stress of the holidays can create irritation and impatience.

Here are a few tips:

1.     (I say this again because it’s so important.)  Let go of your foolish expectations that all will be perfect and peaceful.  People are people, and they are often less than either perfect or peaceful.. (Ahem! Writer and reader of this article not excluded!)

2.     You probably know the quirks of the individuals who will be present.  Resolve not to let their predictable behaviors and attitudes get under your skin and spoil your enjoyment.  Say to yourself with a private smile, “Oh, well, that’s just him (or her).” Keep your composure, and focus your attention instead on people with whom you can relate more positively.

3.     Let go of the notion that this is the year you finally get your family to “do it right.”  If you could have worked that magic, you would have done it a long time ago.  You can’t change other people, or hadn’t you noticed?

4.     Minimize the use of alcohol.  One of the first effects of alcohol is to diminish inhibitions and judgment – and heaven knows, most families need to exercise both.  They do need to be wise about their words, not just say whatever comes to mind.  They need a little (a lot!) of judgment about how to interact, especially if they have not done so well in the past. If there is even one person in the family who has or has had a problem with alcohol, holidays memories may not be pleasant, and those bad feelings can be easily triggered.  True joy does not come in a bottle.

Our next FAQ involves the money and financial worries generated by holiday overspending.  Looking forward to talking about that with you.

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Do you have other questions I haven’t included?  You can ask them and I’ll answer on the Shrink Rap suggestions for staying sane during the holidays.  While you’re at the Shrink Rap Blog, sign up to be notified of new posts at the top right of the page.

Questions and comments may also be shared at the social networking sites, Facebook, Linkedin, or Twitter.  I’d love to be connected with you there.  Just click those buttons on the home page of my website and request a connection and I’ll be glad to say “Yes!”

Want to reprint this?  The answer is “yes” if you include the following attribution: Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, speaker, Show Host at The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com), and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.”  Visit her website, www.DrBevSmallwood.com, or contact her directly at 601-264-0890.

GIVEAWAYS EVERY HOUR IN THE ONLINE LAUNCH OF THE WOMEN’S INFORMATION NETWORK!

 

TODAY and the next twelve days!!!

GIVEAWAYS EVERY HOUR IN THE ONLINE LAUNCH OF THE WOMEN’S INFORMATION NETWORK!

Earlier I shared with you that I’m honored to be the host of two shows on The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com):  The Magnetic Workplaces Show, which is in full swing, and Hope on the Home Front, a show for military families which will be launched in January 2010. 

The WIN is a new online and offline media and social network for women.  Their mission is to “strengthen women and families worldwide.” The WIN’s 30+ channels showcase free, bite-sized solutions focused on relevant topics for women.  It is the first entity of its kind to provide a stage for high-quality content presented by experts on a huge variety of life-changing issues such as health and wellness, career, finance, parenting, marriage, and retirement.  In addition to shows and articles, The WIN offers ways for women to share their ideas, opinions, and expertise with other women.

While the “offline” launch of the network occurred late September, today is the official online launch.  In celebration of that, The WIN is giving away gifts every hour to those who register as a member of the online community.  (Registration is free.) Don’t miss this.  In fact, I’m giving away three autographed copies of my book, “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me:  10 Make-or-Break Choices When Life Steals Your Dreams and Rocks Your World,” and a one-hour consultation on a work or personal issue.

Become a member of the WIN community now and gain access to an unbelievable amount of practical, helpful, and FREE content!

Resilience is Getting Back Up

I didn’t watch the American Music Awards, but I saw the clip this morning.  In the midst of a rousing dance in which Jennifer Lopez was to jump from the back of a stooped fellow dancer.  When she hit the floor, she went down splat.  But in an unbelievable split second, she got back up and was dancing like crazy.  In fact, it all happened so fast, it made you wonder if the fall really happened or if it was just a part of the show.

No, it was not intended; it really happened.  But so did that true professional rebound! She didn’t stay down, wallow in the embarrassment of her problem, or feel sorry for herself.  She got up and danced. 

That’s what we have to do, too.  I’ve heard it said that it’s not how many times you fall down, it’s how many times you get back up.  (It needs to be at least one more time than you fell down.)

Next time you fall or get knocked down, take a lesson from Jennifer. 

Remember, J. Lo didn’t stay low!!!

 

Dr. Bev Smallwood, Psychologist, Author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me,” Host of The Magnetic Workplaces Show on The Women’s Information Network (thewinonline.com).

Women and Willpower Problems

Women and Willpower Problems Article

What do you think?

 

Check Out My Latest Episode on the WIN about the Ten Choices for Resilience!

Click here to see the video for Choice 2!

Healing After Trauma: The Fort Hood Challenge

The Commander of Fort Hood said after the memorial services, “Now the healing must begin.”  He’s right.  During those early times after tragedy occurs, people tend to be in shock and denial, and they manage to go through the motions to get through the necessary rituals and actions.  In my book, “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me:  10 Make-or-Break Choices When Life Steals Your Dreams and Rocks Your World,’ I call this defense mechanism, “the emotional circuit breaker.”  It “shuts you down” in order to prevent destroying “the system” by overload.  As the reality starts the dawn and the full import of the tragic events hits, individuals and communities must engage in the painful and laborious process of healing. 

The ten choices I discuss in the book are not one-time choices, but a commitment to a set of principles by which ongoing choices will be made.  The choices individuals make will determine whether the horrific tragedy will destroy them or will ultimately make them a stronger, more compassionate, more purposeful people.  These make-or-break choices are:

· denial vs. reality;

· victimhood vs. responsibility;

· why vs. how;

· doubt vs. faith;

· bitterness vs. forgiveness;

· guilt vs. self-forgiveness;

· isolation vs. connection;

· depression vs. grief;

· avoidance vs. courage;

· powerlessness vs. purpose.

I’m doing a video podcast series on the Ten Choices on my Women’s Information Network Show, The Magnetic Workplaces Show – and don’t forget to pick up the book, “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me.” 

I’d love to hear about your experiences in your attempt to implement any of these choices.  Feel free to comment here, and I’ll respond.   

The Power of Emotional Intelligence

Last weekend, I had two experiences that reminded me of the power of emotional intelligence.  You probably know that emotional intelligence involves a symphony of skills in thinking, relating, and behaving that result in:  1) managing oneself and one’s emotions well, and 2) relating with others competently.  Daniel Goleman, the researcher and author who coined the term emotional intelligence reports that approximately 66% of occupational success is not due to intellectual ability, but to emotional intelligence. From almost 30 years as a psychologist and developer of leaders, I wholeheartedly believe it.

I was saddened last weekend as I evaluated a young man charged with capital murder of his girlfriend. A part of that forensic psychological examination was a Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale-IV, which assesses IQ or intellectual ability.  To my surprise, this young man topped out many of the scales.  He was very “smart.” But obviously, he was not wise when it came to the series of choices in his life that led to the tragic events which led to his arrest.  I have been struck for many years by an observation as I’ve evaluated what many consider “those people” in deep trouble with the law.  Most are not sociopaths.  The majority made one unwise, emotionally “stupid” choice at a time, leading them step by step down a destructive path.  Emotional intelligence trumps IQ one more time.

A second experience on the same day brought that lesson home, yet again. I went to see “This is It,” the movie about Michael Jackson’s preparation for his comeback tour.  I loved the music and was reminded of Michael’s phenomenal talent as a songwriter, musician, and entertainer. Yet his personal life was a tragedy.  Whatever the truth is about his personal behavior, there can be no doubt that Michael lacked the skills to manage himself and relate with others.  A musical genius handicapped by the lack of emotional intelligence.  What a waste! I left the movie sad.

The message is clear to parents, organizations, and individuals.  Invest in teaching and learning those critical competencies for emotional self-management and healthy relationships. Success depends on it!

What do you think?  What examples have you seen or experienced?

TRAGEDY AT FORT HOOD: WHY DID HE DO IT? VICARIOUS TRAUMA A POSSIBLE AGGRAVATING FACTOR

The nation is stunned with the news that a psychiatrist, one charged with the sacred duty of helping our soldiers, has apparently committed heinous acts resulting in the deaths of 13 people and injuries to 30 more.  The “why’s” are vague at this point – ideological issues and even terrorist possibilities loom large.  Combat-related Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, when this man has never been deployed?  Oddly enough, a form of PTSD is possible. Certainly this is not an excuse in this horrible act.  But in terms of understanding how this alleged shooter was thinking, this discussion is relevant.

1.  The problem of vicarious traumatization is a growing issue among mental health professionals. This occurs when the helping professional becomes traumatized over time from listening to and empathizing with their clients’ stories of traumatic events and horrific emotional reactions.

2.   In this case, Major Hasan now faced the experience of the very horrors he had experienced vicariously in the myriad of accounts he had listened to in his years at Walter Reed and at Fort Hood. In other words, when, as his cousin said, “his worst nightmare,” deployment loomed, he saw himself in the scenarios he had “already experienced.”

3.   The reactions we see in mental health and other healthcare professionals who have experienced vicarious traumatization have every symptom of PTSD from direct experience:  re- the trauma, avoidance, numbing of responsiveness, and hyperarousal.

4.   It is highly unusual that such a drastic and violent reaction would occur from vicarious traumatization alone.  However, the intimate knowledge he had of the experience of deployment could have been one of the factors that sent him over the edge to implement horrific plans he had probably considered for other reasons.

Dr. Bev Smallwood is psychologist, trauma specialist, and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me:  10 Make-or-Break Choices When Life Steals Your Dreams and Rocks Your World. She’s the Founder of The Hope Center, a psychological counseling and organizational consulting organization. Dr. Smallwood also is an psychological expert in criminal cases and in civil cases involving Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Dr. Bev is a highly experienced media resource.  See more about her work at www.DrBevSmallwood.com– particularly in the Media section of her website.  Dr. Bev may be contacted at 601-408-0735 or 601-264-0890.